Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
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Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.