My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
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If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
finally
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.