Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
You Might Also Like
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
mathematically impossible
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”