Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
You Might Also Like
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!