I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
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I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.