me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
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Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.