“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
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Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
This why you should mind your business
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.