Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
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My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*