I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
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Cheer up.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.