*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
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The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
i love meeting boys on tinder
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
whatcha thinkin bout