wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
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and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day