My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
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Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
My whole life was a lie.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.