[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
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Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
just witnessed a drug deal
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.