[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
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The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I can’t be the only one 😂
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me