i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
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Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds