Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
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I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Europe. Made in Germany.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
dads on road-trips be like
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*