My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
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Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?