What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
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I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Why is everyone getting married at me