Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
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I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
This was the best day of my life
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
The photographer’s assistant
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it