Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
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My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Festive toon…
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
my proudest tweet
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.