MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
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cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
me and my fake scenarios
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I’ve had relationships like this
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.