In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
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When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Okey dokey.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.