“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
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Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
fair
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone