As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
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COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Two types of dogs.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Mmmm canned fish.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
“what that mouth do?” complain
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.