If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
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The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Good advice.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying