I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
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I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now