“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
You Might Also Like
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Don’t we all.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship