POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
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I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Well, shit
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)