The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
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When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Whoa 😂
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited