My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
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Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…