Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
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totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I came this close!!!!
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Still my favourite meme.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.