ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
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I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
When I laugh on my period
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING