If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
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Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Dammit Chief not again
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
🤣🤣💀
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.