My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
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doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .