Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
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10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Sending in my taxes
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess