very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
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God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I’m about to risk it all