I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
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my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?