Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
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Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Siri: Retweet me.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.