I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
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Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.