The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
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WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Perfect
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
The old gods are rising again.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex