I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
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[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
this has to be peak English
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces