Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
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DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap