If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
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I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
When your best mate counts as a desk too
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
(Gaming support cat.)
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.