When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Wednesday
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
#milo
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart