A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
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Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
What if all the cashiers are married?
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.