I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
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“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!