My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
“What movie?” 🤔
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Me, flirting😏
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)