Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
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I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Every BBC series about the universe.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore