me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
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reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?