It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
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therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm